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Divorce Abuse
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This first article was written for divorced or divorcing parents. The second article was adapted for Family Law AttorneysWhat is Divorce Abuse? Susan Boyan LMFT and Ann Marie Termini LPC
The Cooperative Parenting Institute
As a parent you surely pride yourself in protecting your children from harm. However in the midst of a conflicted divorce or separation, when emotions and tensions are at a peak, there are times where emotionally abusive behavior may slip in and cause you to harm your child with “divorce abuse”.
Divorce Abuse is a specific type of emotional abuse committed by parents specifically during and after their divorce. Emotional abuse is defined as “acts or omissions that have caused, or could cause, serious behavioral, cognitive and emotional disorders.” Although not as overt as physical abuse, emotional abuse is no less dangerous for children. While it can cause severe emotional pain and hinder a child’s emotional and social development, many parents don’t even know they’re committing it. The following behaviors are examples of how you may unknowingly inflict divorce abuse on your child:
· Putting your child in the middle of your conflict
· Making negative comments about the other parent
· Having arguments with the other parent when your child can overhear
· Using your child to manipulate the other parent
· Involving the police when there is no physical threat
Video or audio taping your child for court purposes
· Involving your child in the legal aspects of your divorce
· Telling your child “the truth” in an attempt to alien them with your cause.
· Leaning on your child for emotional support
· Talking openly about putting the other parent in jail or taking them back to court
· Playing victim
· Trying to make your child miss you while they are with the other parent.
· Continuously blaming the other parent for the divorce or its results
· Refusing to even mention the other parent’s name or acknowledge they exist
· Using your child to communicate messages with the other parent
· Neglecting your child’s physical or emotional needs because you are over focused on the legal battle.
· Overindulging your child or avoiding discipline in order to become the “preferred” parent
· Interrupting or blocking your child’s time with their other parent
· Withholding your child’s possessions to control or punish the other parent
· Neglecting to take your child to their activities just to upset the other parent
· Interrogating your child to get information about the other parent
· Withholding parenting information so that your child misses opportunities to share activities with both parents.
You are likely already committing some of these behaviors without fully understanding the negative impact on your child. A few examples of how children are impacted by divorce abuse include:
· Poor self esteem due to exposure to negative comments about either parent
· Increased anxiety
· Increased anger turned outward as aggression
· Increased anger turned inward causing depression or withdrawal
· Loyalty binds
· Parentified children who feel responsible for their parent’s happiness
· Physical symptoms of stress such as headaches, stomachs
· Relationship difficulties
· In severe cases, estrangement from a parent, drug and alcohol use and early sexual acting out
What can you do to eliminate the emotional abuse of your children during a divorce? First, stop and reflect upon your past behaviors and resist justifying your actions. Divorce abuse awareness is certainly the first step, but real change requires a sincere commitment to new behaviors. Apologize to your child for your poor choices and commit to making some immediate changes. Some alternative behaviors include:
· Focusing on disengaging emotionally from your former spouse
· Learning to separate your personal feelings from your child’s feeling
· Learning to compartmentalize your negative emotions from your actions.
· Managing your anger and impulse control around the children
· Shielding your child from conflict, negative comments, guilt and divorce information your top priority.
· Focusing on the positive no matter how angry and hurt you may be feeling.
· Providing your child adequate adjustment time by avoiding introductions to a significant other for at least a year.
· Speaking in positive ways about the other parent with your child.
· Helping your child purchase or make a birthday card for the other parent.
· Stop badmouthing your co-parent altogether. Then speak with neighbors and family to get their commitment to avoid divorce abuse.
· Modeling mature behaviors for your child.
· Making sacrifices that benefit your child.
· Posting the Divorce Rules in your home found at www.cooperativeparenting.com
Other suggestions that may help you to avoid divorce abuse would include:
Locate a Cooperative Parenting & Divorce eight week co-parenting class to learn to work with your co-parent more effectively. If you are struggling emotionally find a therapist to work with and/or join a recovery group for emotional support. Learn the five steps to avoid Divorce Abuse in Crossroads of Parenting & Divorce. No matter what the final custody arrangement find a way to work with the other parent for the sake of your child.
In situations in which you are at war with the other parent or in a high conflict case it is imperative that you recognize the need for a parent coordinator to assist your family. Without this help both parents may commit divorce abuse and wreak havoc on your child’s emotional development. With the help of a parenting coordinator to monitor parental behaviors you and your co-parent can make the necessary changes to help your child have a healthy childhood.
Now, you may already be dealing with overwhelming negative emotions associated with your process of divorce. Recognizing divorce abuse may just add to your guilt. However, implementing these new behaviors will help you discover that you have the power to make positive changes that will benefit your child and your long term relationship with your child’s other parent. For more information visit:
Boyan & Termini, Cooperative Parenting & Divorce; A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting, Active Parenting Publishers 1997
Boyan & Termini, Crossroads of Parenting & Divorce: 5 Steps to Avoid Divorce Abuse, Active Parenting Publishers 2009
Boyan & Termini, Psychotherapist as Parent Coordinator in High Conflict Divorce: Strategies and Techniques, Taylor Publishing 2004
***************************************************************************** What is Divorce Abuse?
Helping Your Clients to Avoid Doing More Harm
Susan Boyan LMFT and Ann Marie Termini LPC
The Cooperative Parenting Institute, Atlanta, Georgia
Most parents pride themselves in protecting their children from harm. However in the midst of a conflicted divorce or separation, when emotions and tensions are at a peak, emotionally abusive behaviors may slip in and cause parents to harm their children with “divorce abuse”.
Divorce Abuse is a specific type of emotional abuse committed by parents specifically during and after their divorce. Emotional abuse is defined as “acts or omissions that have caused, or could cause, serious behavioral, cognitive and emotional disorders.” Although not as overt as physical abuse, emotional abuse is no less dangerous for children. While it can cause severe emotional pain and hinder a child’s emotional and social development, many parents don’t even know they’re committing it. The following behaviors are examples of how parents may unknowingly inflict divorce abuse on their child:
· Putting their child in the middle of parental conflict
· Making negative comments about the other parent
· Having arguments with the other parent when their child can overhear
· Using their child to manipulate the other parent
· Involving the police when there is no physical threat
· Video or audio taping their child for court purposes
· Interrogating their child to get information about the other parent
· Involving their child in the legal aspects of their divorce
· Telling their child “the truth” in an attempt to alien them with their cause
· Leaning on their child for emotional support
· Talking openly about putting the other parent in jail or taking them back to court
· Playing the part of a victim
· Trying to make their child miss them while they are with the other parent
· Continuously blaming the other parent for the divorce or its results
· Refusing to even mention the other parent’s name or acknowledge they exist
· Using their child to communicate messages with the other parent
· Neglecting their child’s physical or emotional needs because they are over focused on the legal battle
· Overindulging their child or avoiding discipline in order to become the “preferred” parent
· Using their child as a spy to collect information on the other parent
· Interrupting or blocking their child’s time with their other parent
· Withholding their child’s possessions to control or punish the other parent
· Neglecting to take their child to their activities because it is too painful to see the other parent or simply to punish the other parent
· Withholding parenting information so that their child misses opportunities to share activities with both parents
· Making their child keep secrets from the other parent such as recent purchases, who they are dating, or even about the therapist they are seeing without the other parent’s awareness
A few examples of how children are impacted by divorce abuse include:
What can parents do to eliminate the emotional abuse of their children during a divorce? First, they need to stop and reflect upon past behaviors and resist justifying their actions. Divorce abuse awareness is certainly the first step, but real change requires a sincere commitment to new behaviors. Mature parents are able to apologize to their children for poor choices and commit to making some immediate changes. Some alternative behaviors include:
As a family lawyer what can you do to help reduce divorce abuse?
· While advocating for your client make sure you are not using language or body language that will fuel your client’s anger or bitterness.
· Avoid encouraging a belief that there is only one parent contributing to the conflict. Avoid black and white thinking, winner or loser thinking.
· Avoid advising your client to seek treatment for their child without the other parent’s notice. This will likely backfire for your client by making them appear adversarial or even alienating by the appearance of employing a “hired gun.” Even worse, you will be encouraging your client to put their child into the middle by creating a “secret” to keep from the other parent.
· Never encourage your client to call the department of family and children’s services with allegations about the other parent. Always encourage them to take their child to the pediatrician, their therapist or the emergency room so a professional will make the report. Otherwise, the claim may be ignored as simply the result of an angry parent going through an adversarial divorce. Rarely will this help your client unless the report is made by a neutral.
· Always remember that you are only hearing one side of the story and if you assume everything you are told as truth will lead you and your client into trouble down the road. Always keep an open mind while you support your client.
· Learn the difference between visitation refusal that is not a form of parental alienation. Learn about estrangement, alignment and the different combinations of alienation before you go down that path too quickly with your client. They may indeed be part of the problem .
· Refer your client to a positive list of reading material that will encourage them to grieve, let go, move on, forgive and become empowered as a result of the pain they are experiencing. Or simply provide your clients with a copy of Crossroads of Parenting & Divorce; Five Steps to Avoid Divorce Abuse.
· If your client is emotionally struggling encourage them to seek mental health support and or medication. This can be framed as a very positive measure so do not fear that this will make your client appear weak. Help them get what they need and they will make better decisions.
· Locate a Cooperative Parenting & Divorce eight week co-parenting class to refer your client to so they can learn how to communicate more effectively and learn to work with their co-parent.
· In situations in which you are dealing with a high conflict case be sure to investigate how the use of a parent coordinator may assist the family pre or post-divorce. Unlike mediation or co-parenting counseling, Parenting Coordination is a non-confidential process that educates, mediates, and monitors the high conflict family. Without this unique service, both parents may commit divorce abuse and wreak havoc on their child’s emotional development. With the help of a parenting coordinator to monitor parental behaviors they may be able to eliminate divorce abuse and make the necessary changes to help their child have a healthy childhood.
For more information on the Cooperative Parenting Institute in Atlanta or to be trained as a parenting coordinator visit: www.cooperativeparenting.com
About the Authors
Susan Boyan and Ann Marie Termini are the founders of Cooperative Parenting Institute which provides divorce related services and products to families experiencing divorce. They provide family mediation, custody counseling, collaborative services, co-parenting groups and parenting coordination for high conflict families. The authors also provide services to family lawyers regarding cross-examination and testimony coaching. They have written and presented extensively on parenting and divorce issues. They have co-authored several books and programs including Cooperative Parenting & Divorce; A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting, Crossroads of Parenting & Divorce: 5 Steps to Avoid Divorce Abuse, and Psychotherapist as Parent Coordinator in High Conflict Divorce: Strategies and Techniques. For information on the Atlanta Cooperative Parenting Institute visit www.cooperativeparenting.com or call 404-315-7474 X1
Resources:
Boyan & Termini, Cooperative Parenting & Divorce; A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting, Active Parenting Publishers 1997
Boyan & Termini, Crossroads of Parenting & Divorce: 5 Steps to Avoid Divorce Abuse, Active Parenting Publishers 2009
Boyan & Termini, Psychotherapist as Parent Coordinator in High Conflict Divorce: Strategies and Techniques, Taylor Publishing 2004
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